Narcissism

 

Narcissism is a personality disorder (NPD) that affects nearly one in six individuals meaning that we encounter people with NPD far more often than we might realize.  For the most part these encounters are fairly benign, but for some of us they are far more impactful.

 

I was raised by a narcissist, have worked with narcissists at various times throughout my career and had the misfortune (luck of the draw) of raising a narcissist.  Being raised by, and having raised, a narcissist is the most difficult thing to wrap one’s head around because of how much you love them.  Despite everything my parent put me through during my childhood and well into adulthood I still love that person very much.  However, despite my best efforts, even with the help of a therapist, that relationship ended about fifteen years ago.

 

Having a child with NPD is the hardest because you love them so much and you know that they will struggle their entire lives to navigate their way while they leave a wake of emotional destruction in their path.  Upheaval they don’t intend, broken relationships, missed opportunities and difficulties getting along with others are often their future.  Even harder is the fact that there is nothing you can to do to help them or fix it and you have to accept that.

 

I have found this book tremendously helpful

Radical acceptance is the only way to survive NPD, but once you do you are able to effectively move forward with clarity, understanding and the tools to love and deal with that person.  It is a lot of work, but it is possible.  Having a good therapist with NPD experience is extremely helpful.

 

When you work with someone with NPD you have options.  You can either gather the tools and use techniques to be able to work with them and accept all the bumps along the way or you can change jobs and get away from them.  Because of the varying degrees of NPD, moving along and changing jobs is typically the only way to survive a narcissist in the workplace.  Family members and spouses however, make it much harder.  That is where professional help becomes even more important.

 

Narcissists can be absolutely brutal.  They are highly manipulative and emotionally abusive.  Some are physically abusive too.  One thing I can tell you is that dealing with and recovering from NPD abuse requires outside professional help.  It really isn’t something we can do on our own.  You also need clarity about what narcissism really is.  Once you have clarity you are better able to make practical decisions.  From there you can also begin to heal.

 

It is completely okay to say “I can’t continue to be in this situation anymore”.  It is completely okay to maintain minimal contact.  It is also completely okay to accept our limitations and to walk away if that is what needs to happen.  It is okay too, to still love that person.  It is hard, very hard, but at the end of the day we need to make sure we don’t sacrifice ourselves.  We need to make to love ourselves too.  I will all my best to those of you that find yourselves in this same situation.