Boundaries & Doormats

 

Establishing boundaries has always been something of a struggle for me, pretty much my entire life.  In the past I have never wanted to upset anyone or risk making them mad at me so I was always trying to keep the peace, accepting responsibility for any unpleasantness, apologizing for upsetting them and trying my best to figure out ways to make other people happy, often at my own expense.  My greatest fear was that I would make someone angry and they would stop talking to me or want nothing more to do with me.  Rejection is a hard pill to swallow.

 

Without realizing it, I could be easily manipulated and used by people.  As long as I served a useful purpose to them all was well, but if I ever said “no” to something, rather than respect that boundary they would become upset and offended.  Essentially, I had become a doormat, something people wipe their dirty shoes on.  I have been given the silent treatment (ghosted), ignored at holidays, special occasions and family get-togethers.  I’ve had some pretty terrible untruthful things said about me behind my back, a lot of it I even believed at times.  Many times. I’ve been a victim of gaslighting more often than I care to admit.  My family is very good at this type of behavior.  I’ve even been bullied by adults at work on a few occasions throughout my life.

 

There has been a lot of heartache, tears, anxiety and despair over the years and a lot of questions like – Why?  Why does this keep happening?  What is it about me that makes people think it is okay to use me and take advantage of me?  Why do people think they can bully me?  Why is it that the only time people want to be around me is when they need something from me?  Am I not good enough?  I’ve been hurt by so many people that were supposed to love and care about me.  You begin to wonder “what on earth is wrong with me?”  The short answer is – nothing.  The bigger question is how do I make it stop?

 

I’ve been in therapy off and on for a number of years, more consistently this past three years, and this has been the hardest issue for me to overcome.  It has been a difficult journey, but therapy has quite literally kept me from slipping over the edge.  It has taught me A LOT about myself and the people I’ve had in my life.  It has showed me that I’m okay and doing the best I can to navigate this upheaval called life.  That just like me, other people have issues they are dealing with too, whether they realize it or not.  We all have insecurities, fears, and doubts at times and we have to deal with those in a healthy and constructive manner.  We also need to be kind and respectful to each other, but for some, especially those with mental health issues, this can be very difficult.  Therapy has also taught me that I don’t need to put up with other people’s crap.

 

I may be kind, understanding and compassionate, but I am not someone’s punching bag nor am I a doormat.  I will draw a line, establish a boundary and stand up for myself and if someone has a problem with that, well that’s on them.  I’ve lost relationships, both family and friends, over this and I’m okay with it, as best as I can be.  I’d much rather be alone in this world than be treated poorly.  I have had more than enough of that.  I am much more important than that.  I have value and I am worthy of so much more.

 

So, if you find yourself in a similar situation, know that you are not alone.  It’s okay to ask for respect, even demand it.  We all have value, it is not just for a select few.  Stay strong, be strong and stand up for yourself.  Know that you are enough.  And if you are struggling, like I was, please don’t be afraid to get some help.  Above all, know that you are important and that you matter.  I’m in your corner.